Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
