I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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