dude i'm inner monologue high
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
