i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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