she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
