How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
