he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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