Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
What did we do last night that was yellow?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
