So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
