I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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