Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
