Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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