I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize
