It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I need a beard to bite.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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