Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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