i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
