just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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