So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I AM VODKA MAN
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
