Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
