Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
