I cannot find my penis.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Randomize
