i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
