I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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