Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
