I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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