i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
