question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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