Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
