WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
