I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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