My cat gives me a boner
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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