My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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