Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
