I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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