I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
