I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
