I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
