Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
