I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
