i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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