I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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