Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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