awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
