I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
