is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
