Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
