Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
