I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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