I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
