First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
