Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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