He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Shame is for Republicans.
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