I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
