I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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