When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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