I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
