so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
