Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
