threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
