Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize