at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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