Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
