just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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