I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
