How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize