First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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