TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
